on the brink of insanity
listening to: type o negative, "i don't wanna be me"

all i feel is lyrics today:
it's so hard to fail, it's not easy to win...
if you made the world a stage for me, then i hope that you can hear me scream...

and, of course, what i'm currently listening to:
i don't want to be me anymore

it seems to me that what ever i do majorly inconveniences someone else. i can't do anything right lately...my life seems to be a constant string of fuckups.

maybe sleep would help. i'll never know. i won't get any for a good week...after all this finals week and graduation crap is over!

finals week just may kill me, if only because i am incapable of more than five minute memory. i remembered at 10:30pm a book report i was supposed to write, due tomorrow, on a book i read four years ago. (as discouraging as that sounds, it's going quite well considering the circumstances.)

i taped over my sister makayla's english final project today, recording an extra credit video for bible (because i am hopelessly low in memory verse points and need those damn extra credit points!) makayla wasn't mad (at least not visibly,) but that just made me feel worse, because i knew i majorly inconvenienced her (had to get her non-driver partner over to our house and dress up/film/get crazy shakesperian lines out all over agian...and that stuff does not come easy for my sister.) i'm feeling the same as after my crash...why the hell doesn't someone punish me and make me feel better? STOP BEING SO NICE!!! CAN'T ANYONE SEE I'M A JERK?!??

i guess, in addition to the stress, that's the real problem. i am one giant bundle of guilt. a stressed bundle of guilt, no less. and...it feels very, very bad.

could be worse...quite doubtful...

i am currently listening to nature sounds, by "solitudes". i'm not sure if that's a band or an emotion the song evokes. hmm. melissa is eating rice that smells rather funny. i'm kind of hungry but not motivated enough to eat anything. i had cold cereal and toast for dinner and i really don't need any more at 2am.

that's what i had for my past-midnight snack last night!

mel is showing me a quote "shocking" cartoon at www.weebls-stuff.com and i think i'm a little frightened.

we made so many freaking little anime people us: in addition to the me/alex i had made already, we now have melissa, daylene, kaeli, makayla, and kassi to add to the collection. i'm going to have to make an archive or something. maybe post some, if i can ever get 'hello' to work...

i probably have excessive amounts of green nail polish in my teeth, mouth, and throat. because i don't know the meaning of the word "nail polish remover".

i'm listening to "tainted love" again and i fear it will be a big mistake, for it shall be stuck in my head for all eternity. i want to be the girl in the hot tub! (if only because she has a sweet swimsuit.)although i have the same shirt as the girl on the stairs (random zipper in the middle, and mine tends to be unzipped too. more fun that way.) i must say, the bunnies frighten me.

i'm also downloading "can't stop" by the chili peppers because i love the video (the song was okay in its day. its day being last summer. it wasn't change-the-station-worthy, at least. the video, however, kicks ass.)

this is what happens when i post at three in the morning. i desperately need to get some sleep. maybe i will...

whee!!
listening to: cold, "stupid girl"

funny how adding a profile picture with a little cleavage will increase the people who look at your profile...up 15 in a single day, beating my former non-pic daily record of 2.

c'mon guys, it's just fat! a crack in fat, no less!

(don't worry, i love the pic too. i took it myself...and was actually aiming for a tattoo i drew on my chest. but anyway.)

and it feels good!
feeling: content
listening to: type o negative, "i don't wanna be me"

i had a really good day. it included sleeping in, eating two real meals someone made for me (and an upcoming midnight snack, woohoo!), taking pictures of alex and kaeli for my photography project--that actually came out good!!! see my photoblog to judge for yourself,) taking a nap, and a few other happy things i won't go into.

hehehe.

also way neato: an avatar site. not so neato: it's in german. but i don't doubt you--you can figure it out, you smart one, you!

(if you can't, here's a loose translation.)

i'll post the me-version (well, kind of) in a minute. it's close anyway...okay, if picasa stops being a jackass and works. (that is, if programs can be a jackass.)

in other news, i need to figure out songs for the multimedia show. by tomorrow. and it's midnight...so i think i'll just give up right now.

definitely time for that beforementioned midnight snack!

waking up to food is great!
listening to: coldplay, "yellow"
feeling: rested. for once. it's some kind of miracle.

today my whole family skipped church for sweet, sweet slumber...with an added bonus: i actually got to eat breakfast! i'm not talking cold cereal or toast or a bagel or eggos, i'm talking real fresh eggs and potatoes! my tummy rejoiced

this is a good day so far. then again, i've only been awake for an hour.

well, here's the plan for today: take pictures of kaeli and alex in various clothes (old-fashioned, modern--from preppy to goth, that's my plan =) for my photography project.

the plan for the rest of this lovely long weekend: work on the multimedia show sunday morning and afternoon (with dan,) start on my bible project sunday night and continue monday morning (daylene and melissa are sleeping over, and alex is coming over both days.) then monday afternoon...we'll go from there.

my gosh, finals week is turning me positively social.

a little glimpse of what goes on in my head: i just read the term "my gosh" and remembered how i wasn't allowed to say that when i was little because it was too close to "my god". now i realize it is, in fact, quite far away from "my god" and is much closer to something like "my goth" or "my gash", which could be making fun of gothic or injured people.

hmm.

my sister kaeli is scanning pictures for her 8th grade graduation powerpoint. (yes, our school has an 8th grade graduation, left over from the days when we have a 10-grade school and soon after graduation, you really did have to go away to a boarding school if you wanted to keep attending an adventist school. now it basically means nothing. you get to be in high school, and attend exciting high school functions such as banquet and assemblies...quiet your enthusiasm...and be in varsity. that's about it.)

i downloaded about thirty songs last night. i was very inspired for songs to look for. i'm trying to get the whole cd for evanescence, "origin", since it is nowhere to be found for purchase on the internet or otherwise. i have eight out of however many...

that's all i have to say for now.

let's skip the feelings...
listening to: cold, "no one"

...and get right on to the facts. because i'm fine sharing those.

for chemistry class today, i went to starbucks! this was my only real class period. the rest of the school day, i helped rachel do layout for the school paper (watching alex do yearbook layout taught me a few things), picked out a few more songs for the senior multimedia show, and started my bible class project with daylene and melissa.

after school, rachel & kari & alex & i went to a movie: shrek 2. ugh. now i usually like stupid movies, but this was a little too much. let's just say the first movie was for all ages, and this movie was for children under the age of 10, with a few dirty jokes (aka "adult humor") scattered at random to keep the older 'uns from walking out. i still didn't hate it (okay for a once-see,) though i do hate the fact i had to spend $5 on it...=P

and after, i watched "paycheck" with alex's family, which i really enjoyed (despite the fact i don't particularly like ben affleck or uma thurman--i don't understand how that works, but whatever!) it more than made up for the movie mishap earlier in the day.

oh, and i went grocery shopping. at 10:30 pm. because we needed milk and eggs to support our small army (three teenagers, a nine-year-old and two parents...close enough, right?) you meet some interesting people at safeway in the middle of the night...it definitely satisfied my people-watching hobby for the day.

so, what else? i'm reading "abhorsen" by garth nix, as a break in the middle of the "shannara" series (i've read 4 of 'em.) i'm working on my photography project tomorrow afternoon, taking pictures of kaeli and alex (the cute blondes that they are!) in various different costumes and styles. hopefully the rain will let up so i can take some outside.

and, i updated both "more about me" (another lovely meme...) and "enigmatic deviations", so check them both out.

this was about the most unpersonal post ever. but for good reason. i don't know what i feel. i don't know if i feel good or bad, and i don't know if i want to know. uncertainty is the only certainty...if you know what i mean?

listening to: godsmack, "voodoo"

"enigmatic deviations" is officially up and running! so check it out.

granted, i only have one post, but there are more to come. i don't want to overpost this one (not like any other journal we know...) i think this will be fun.

guess that's all. i have to get ready (aka shower) for a choir performance at a school constituency meeting tonight...

came home sick
feeling: i think the title is self-explanatory
listening to: three days grace, "just like you"

actually, watching the video. i wanted to see if it had anything to do wit hstrippers, since ever since i bought the cd last summer that song has reminded me of a stripper song and made me want to pole dance (which is an extremely scary feeling, believe me.)

but nope. it's a bunch of people wearing plastic heads while the boys play their song behind a one-way mirror. then everyone takes off their plastic heads and paar-taays.

so, why am i at home yet on the computer? the answer is this: i feel like shit. it hurts to breathe, let alone move. yet it hurts to lay down as well, because 360 degrees around my torso is a mashed mess of ouchness. so i sit in the computer chair until my stomach starts to hurt unbearably (because, to add to the joy, i have unbelievable cramps--damn being a girl!), then lay down until my body starts to hurt unbearably. it's an endless cycle. if i had a sleeping pill, i'd take it so i could sleep and forget about this. but of course i got rid of all my sleeping pills after a bad experience this summer. (still have awake pills, though for unknown reasons, since i'd much rather drink coffee!)

to top it off, i have had no problems with my eye since the accident. so maybe i'm just crazy or have pent up subconscious resentment for those people whose truck i hit...because they're the ones who bought alex's old house.

hey! aol now has a 'gothic rock' station. i feel torn--part of me is pissed at the mainstream-ness of it all, and part of me is happy because, after all, it really does play some good stuff that i would never know about otherwise.

okay, now it's time for the lying-down shift. possibly more later.

morning after
listening to: disturbed, "prayer"

breathing is officially an extravegance i cannot afford.

also laughing and stretching. darned ribs.

now i have to go to school and get laughed at. i skipped my 1st class (@ 7am) because i didn't fall asleep last night until past 2am. it's hard to get comfortable when everything above your waist aches.

leaving now...

i hurt.
feeling: sore, stupid, and tired
listening to: papa roach, "last resort"

and i hurt for just about the most stupid and expensive reason possible: i got in a car accident today.

i was going over to alex's house after the track meet (from my house.) along the way, there's a fairly sharp right turn that, at this time, led directly into the sun. so i'm making the turn (at 20 mph) when i realize i'm not turning sharp enough, so i turn the wheel to the right. all of a sudden my vision goes blank--for a second i see that weird dot-thingy in my left eye, then everything is bright because, after all, i'm looking into the sun.

in the next instant i feel a huge pressure and pain in my chest. then everything goes blank again.

next thing i know, i'm slumped against the steering wheel in front of a house, watching their now-smashed truck roll backwards down the road. all i can think of is: omigodomigodomigod how the hell did i do that? am i dreaming? pleasepleaseplease let me be dreaming.

then i notice that the entire family is gathered around my (smashed) car--mom, dad, kids, grandma. the dad's an emt and tells me to stay inside the car, which is fine with me, because my chest feels as squished as my car and i can't breathe that well.

at this point, the family called 911 and i managed to get out of my car and assess the damage. ouch. i hit their (nice, new, pretty...) truck head-on, but luckily my smaller toyota camry slipped under the bumper and did minimal engine damage (but maximum bumper damage...plus i bent the hood.) my own car, or shall i say my parent's car, is not so lucky. to me, it looked totalled. the passenger-side door doesn't open, and that side is compacted like a tin can. i call my parents in horror...

so. i manage to find my license and registration for the nice police officer (that has been my worst nightmare--getting pulled over w/o either of the beforementioned) and warded off the ambulence drivers. okay, so i do feel a bit of back/neck pain, but not enough to pay several thousand for an ambulence.

especially since i'm only five houses away from my own home.

anyway, in the end everyone was super nice to me, which didn't stop me from crying so hard i practically hyperventilated (you know when you're crying so hard you start gasping and can't stop? yep, that was me) and being forced to sit down in the shade. luckily only my cousin debbi and her son dustin knew, and they drove by to make sure i was okay and to hug me (not that i could even say thank you at this point, i was too focused on breathing,) not mock me. my parents think our car can be fixed for a thousand or so, which could be much worse.

here's the bad news: i haven't even had my license for 6mos and now i have a record. yuck. also, i can look forward to a ticket for hitting a parked vehicle. hopefully traffic school will take care of that...finally, my insurance goes through the roof, meaning i have to start paying myself. my freedom goes down considerably, because we now only have two functioning vehicles. not to mention i am officially working all summer to pay off a thrashed '87 camry.

this sucks ass. i hate being so stupid. the worst part is, i don't even know how it happened. i guess i got sunblinded, but i don't remember the actual crash. i don't think i could have prevented it, which scares me. because i'm a good driver! i practically aced my test! everyone who rides with me comments on how well i drive for driving such a short time. so why the hell did i hit a parked car?

i almost wish people had been meaner to me. i want some kind of non-eventual punishment. somebody whip me! i have been bad. stop feeling sorry for me and asking if i'm okay and sympathizing, when i destroyed several thousand dollar's worth of stuff in a few seconds and it's completely and one hundred percent my fault. i am the bad guy. hate me, already!

agreed, this is a sick way to think. i understand it's how i feel but not nececcarily rational. (but then again, since when do feelings have to be rational?)

after both cars were towed, most of the gas was cleaned up, and the insurance info was exchanged, i spent my evening lying in bed staring at the ceiling, crying on my parents and later alex's shoulders, and drinking my iced mocha. because even evil teenage parked car hitters need a little bit of comfort food.

but right now, what's foremost on my mind is that i hurt. ribs, collarbone, neck, back, even my head (which hit nothing...) i don't know if i'm bruised or what--i think i'd know if i broke something, wouldn't i? in all events, if i'm significantly more bruised tomorrow, my parents are forcing me to visit the emergency room. i don't feel that bad!

maybe i'd be feeling worse if i hadn't taken six pain pills, three of which were extra-strength.

i actually feel a little better after writing on and on. talking to my parents helped, talking to alex helped, even talking to daylene and melissa (who came to pick up dustin, day's brother, right as i was getting home from alex's house) the little bit i did helped. the only problem is, the gossip is going to be all over tomorrow. i don't mind telling people. i do mind people talking maliciously, and gossip is maliciousness epitimized.

well, shit. i hate this. can i wake up tomorrow with a broken limb or something? (pretty please, God?)

5-second break
feeling: mood swing-y
listening to: the school band practice down the hall...

school ceased strangely early today, due to both to absence of schoolwork left and the track meet this afternoon (more on that later.)

i'm currently seeing the dot in my eye quite clearly. it's starting to get extremely annoying. ("the dot" is a blur in my vision in my left eye. sometimes it's transparent and just distorts anything behind it, other times it's a black spot--like now.) i need to ask a doctor about it--by now, it's been there three or four months--but last time i forgot, and i keep putting it off because i have to get a physical before i go to college anyway, so...

perhaps i will go blind before i actually get to the doctor, knowing my motivation...

back to the subject at hand. i'm sitting here, in my dad's office, waiting for my video camera to charge so i can finish the senior interviews for the multimedia show. i am actually the very last interview, and dan ran to safeway for snacks. he'll film when he gets back.

the questions i asked in the interviews were:
1) your name?
2) three things you think people should know about you?
3) favorite high school class?
4) favorite high school memory?
i came up with them completely on the spot...=P we could have done more if we'd have more time, but we're supposed to keep the total time of the show to around a 1/2 hour. (i'm predicting more in the 40 minute range.)

and, at 1pm, the track meet: i get to sit on our school field (under a canopy, luckily) typing in times and points as we go. the senior class is definitely going to lose...since everyone but me left. sadly enough, this means i'm gonna be alone out there! i was hoping alex would help, but he abandoned me...sniff, sniff. (i know, i know, we got out of school way early and i want to go home too. it makes sense, i'm just being my typical drama queen self.)

working on a picture blog under the title "enigmatic deviations." it will be more of an art journal, making my photo journal (in focus) completely snapshots. which it pretty much is now...i'll just start scanning some of my so-called artwork into "e.d" and maybe some of my friend's as well (if they'll let me.)

now i'm eating a bagel and swiss cheese sandwitch my mommy made for me, and must give my full attention to satisfying my hunger. nummers. cya.

listening to: disturbed, "remember"

well. the rest of today went alright. still not feeling 100%, but then again maybe that's because i don't go to sleep at night.

tonight the fault wasn't entirely mine--the track & field meet is tomorrow, and i am the official results-girl! (many pictures will follow, being as my sis kaeli (13) is a track superstar, plus i'm trigger-happy with a camera.) this means i get to skip my afternoon class (spanish), but also must stay after school. (i think i'll recover.)

holy shit, i just remembered something i have to do. write a freaking story in spanish. a 150-word one. (calming down...i guess it's not that bad. i can do this. i just need to tear myself away from my blog...)

discovery of the day: i definitely have an addictive personality. i can't do anything halfway. it's sleep for hours, or don't sleep at all. blog everyday, sometimes two times a day (but this time it was because of my gordo-pic! then things got out of hand.)

question of the day: why don't more people have voices like david? i admit, commenness would probably ruin it--so why don't i know anyone personally with a voice like that?

i'd kidnap them, tie them down, and force them to sing to me. (repeatedly, since i have an addictive personality...)

come to think of it, it's probably a good thing i don't know anyone like that.

sick of this
listening to: linkin park, "in the end"

my sisters are fighting over who gets to use the kitchen...makayla (15) wants to listen to music and do her homework, and kassi (9) wants to watch tv. it never occured to them that there are other cd players (in each bedroom, not to mention one by our pool) or another tv (in my parent's bedroom.)

at times like this i'm happy to be leaving in a few months...

you know what i want to do? i want to go on a roadtrip and play music really loud (cds, not the radio) and sing along. i want to roll the windows down so that my hair is a mini-disaster area and even speed a little bit. i want to stop at rest stops, scenic areas, gas station mini-marts, and consume lots of fast food. and, of course, i want to have a destination, though everyone knows half the fun of a road trip is getting there.

i do not want to be in high school for one more week, attending classes just so we can get enough hours to call it a 'full year'. i do not want to go home every day feeling discouraged because i'm still unemployed. i am tired of my pills having weird side effects and i'm tired of being stressed out. most of all, i'm burned out, i guess. summer, where are you?

waxy!
feeling: like a truent. *why* can't i ditch school tomorrow?
listening to: stevie wonder, "isn't she lovely"




Which Family Guy character are you?


interesting. granted, i have gone through my stages...from total nerd in early elementary school, to cool (cruel?) girl in junior high, to prep in early high school, umm...extention of my boyfriend mid-high school, masocistic depressed self-mutilator (self-injurer? isn't that the term i learned in therapy?) my junior year, to optimistic introspective goth this year...hard to keep up with!

but really, i thought i'd be more of a lois than a meg. ah well. my future is set, i must accept it.

currently i am attempting to download a staind song (okay, and about six other songs) for the senior multimedia show. it's semi-working.

interesting: the user of the staind song's kazaa name is "ilovewax". what, earwax? hey! i could be your supplier! will you pay me? perhaps it's candle wax. no, you may not drip it all over my body. (although i used to eat wax at a much younger age, in the form of both candles and crayons.)

perhaps i should just stop talking about wax. and discuss instead...the tshirt i want!!!

i must force myself to jobhunt tomorrow. before i go to sleep tonight, i should submit an online application to best buy.

or, you know. not.

funny funny
feeling: like a bundle of happy. or almost.
listening to: staind, "so far away"

"I’m starting to ramble, and my arms are killing me – I either slept on them, or someone has been kidnapping me, cutting my arms off for research, and replacing both my arms and my person before I awake and the reason for my pain is that the reattachment, while seamless and almost perfect, is off by a fraction of a fraction of a micron. Damn aliens. Why can’t you just probe me anally like all the rest?" ~ delicious juice

this blog totally cracks me up. which is good, because i have had a pretty crappy day and could use some cracking up.

but all that is behind me now! for in the next few minutes, i shall be a bundle of happy! i promise you. just wait.

a plethora of more posting later!!!

my first picture, sent by 'hello'...hopefully it works! this particular pic is alex and i at the spring banquet, looking cute and...well...pink.

aren't i optimistic today?
listening to: fuel, "hemmorage"

just got back from alex's and must write my life philosophy paper...only i haven't figured out my life philosophy yet. i haven't actually *lived* that much of life yet. high school sure as hell better not be a general representation of life!

if it is, i'm killing myself.

back to my paper. in all events, there's no way i'm going to come up with an accurate life philosophy at 10:13 pm, so i might as well plan on bullshitting my way through it from the start. i can't wait.

if i sound negative, it's not my fault, really. we watched "house of sand and fog" at alex's house, which has to be one of the most depressing movies i've seen in a long time. not the saddest, just the most depressing. there was no happy anywhere, by the end they had succeeded in stripping the movie of all happy. which i guess was kind of the point. i did like the fact that they didn't particularly try to jade you towards any character or make you like any character more. there wasn't an antagonist/proantagonist, just a bunch of confused, disfunctional people.

hmm. and they say the media doesn't mirror reality.

i think i've done enough procrastinating...sigh. let the fun begin.

simply adorable, darling
feeling: laid back
listening to: electronic buzz

i am at school, putting senior pictures on a disc to take to dan's house. it's gonna take around an hour. phooey. that does, however, give me time to update my photojournal!

today it consists of baby pictures (and young 'un pictures) of me...in fact, the very pictures i intend to put in the senior multimedia show. it's only missing a recent good picture of me with black hair. i don't want the last picture to be one of my 'professional' senior pics, because i look totally different with long(er) blond hair than with short black hair.

wasn't i just the cutest thing, though? my kids are going to be adorable, too. (don't mind me, i'm just having an egocentric moment. i'll be the first to admit i'm not that cute now!) =P

update: burning the files really is going to take forever and a freaking day. maybe dan & i won't get as much stuff done today as previously intended...

random nonsense
feeling: procrastinative (is that a word?)
listening to: bush, "glycerine"

alex, i officially want to burn your bush cd. you could burn it in advance for me so i could have it tonite, hint hint...=P but of course you only read this when i hold your face in front of the computer and click for you, while proclaiming loudly "READ DAMNIT" and cracking the whip suspiciously close to skin.

or not.

so here's the deal. i'm supposed to work on the multimedia show today, which means i must zip into the school and burn a cd of all the pictures. then i must drive twenty-five minutes out of town (all alone! no cd player! poor me!) to my friend dan's house...dan of the sweet video-editing equipment, in case you were wondering.

later tonite i must work on homework...bleh. the worst part of the end of the year is the fact that we have dreaded finals. in the past it's been worse, i couldn't take my test until my school bill was paid and being as both my parents are teachers and i am one of four kids...that rarely happened on time. so i'd sit in the office and pout while i waited for them to "work something out".

this year i just have to wait to get my diploma until my bill's paid. ah well, as long as i get it before i officially enroll in college (sept. 21)...

so, yesterday was a pretty good day. in the morning i drove myself to church (and was 20 minutes late for sabbath school/an adventist version of sunday school. i wanted to flip my hair out prettily! it was worth it.) then i sang special music with daylene & rachel, and we did good (although my voice just stopped in one part. it went choke-y, or something. i recovered...)

after church i went to the park with alex's and rachel's families. we ate a picnic lunch and went for a walk. (it was kinda cold, and i was wearing a swimsuit under my clothes because originally we were going to the lake but it was too windy...the combination of the two factors meant i spent a good share of the time desperately missing my bra! too much information? probably. but what the hell, i'm like that.)

then i picked up food for alex @ fat daddy's barbeque (interesting--i had never been there, and the guys totally hit on corset-ed snake necklace-d me...heehee, i love dressing up. and i love my snake necklace) and food for me (burrito & chocolate milkshake, mm!) at del taco. we watched tech tv (x-play) while we ate and then 'moulin rouge!' i was, as always, depressed at the movie but did not cry this time. a record, or something.

bleh. must go do something substantial, other than wasting my life away on the internet.

book update: on page 306 of 'the wishsong of shannara'! woohoo.

the search continues
feeling: slightly perturbed
listening to: "the princess bride"--only the best movie ever--playing in the other room

i swear, i am on the 60th page for filling out an online application to circuit city. and i haven't even got to the "former employer/references" part. sure, i'll pee in a cup if need be for a drug/alcohol test, but just don't make me read four pages and click four boxes on the subject!

okay, now i'm verifying the fact that i'm "16 years of age or older". the joy of it, really. i think, instead of getting an actual job, i'll fill out applications for the rest of my life.

what the hell? there are entire screens devoted to the phrase: "thank you. please click 'next' to continue." well, that was a waste of a perfectly good click! think of all the energy i put into that click that could have had a perfectly good use elsewhere! i will never regain the energy from that click. it is lost to me forever...sniff...

(as i realize once again what a drama queen i am...)

today i must fill out my graduation invitations. i really have put it off for far too long...i just don't know who the heck to send them too. but i don't really feel like doing anything productive. i've already gone to school, practiced for special music in church manana, and helped mr anderson (my history teacher) put together the senior class plaque (which is very pretty, or it will be when it's completed. matted, framed, all that.)

also, i should fill out a best buy application (online, of course) and take a stab at the preliminary interview for petco (on the phone.) but i, of course, have no motivation on the only day i get out of school before all these places close. bleh. i just want to relax! the week is over, the damn yearbook is out (as flawed as it may be...), i want a vacation!

instead, i will fill my weekend with homework and senior multimedia show (and of course my boyfriend...he tends to come before homework in most occasions. you can blasphamize my priorities, but if i put homework first *all* the time i think i would be dead from stress by now.)

hmm. i'm hungry now--filling out invitations works up an appetite. all that strenuous clicking, you know? i think 3:09 pm is a great time for lunch/dinner. hasta!

(hey, i just remembered...what's the name of the newest offspring release? anyone? i forgot and i want to download it. thanks a heap!)

experimentally trying out photobucket...hopefully it'll be better than aol. at least it's free, and uses thumbnails instead of making you scroll through every picture.

if and when it works, i should use my aol photojournal only for artistic photos, and one at a time. that'd be cool (and neato and all that good stuff.)

hmm. one thing photobucket & aol have in common...their 'load' function is painfully slow.

and, the verdict is--hmm. no workey. let's try it again, shall we?

stiiil thinking, of course.

hey! here's a commercial break for ya. i get to go to spirit west coast! (which is a 3-day christian music festival in monterey, in july.) even better: alex is going! even even better: alex's mom & sister are going, meaning i can stay with them and not have to pay for my own campsite!!! woohoo!!! food, gas,etc is going to be expensive enough as it is.

my very first multiple-day road trip. how cute (because i very much intend to take a road trip this summer--san francisco's the desination goal since i didn't get to go for my birthday--but that'd only be for a day. lodging in s.f's freaking expensive!)

photobucket's still having issues. i think i'm giving up.

yummy
feeling: happy
listening to: adema, "giving in"

doing the blog sweep and updating because: i'm home alone (save the adorable black-and-white ball of fluff asleep on my carpet) and it's glorious!!!

why? when you live in a family of six, any housetime with four people or under is a blessing. but alone? that's nirvana! (well, heaven anyway.)

what can you do when you're home alone? blast music at top volume from your bedroom so you can hear it in the shower, run around the house naked looking for your towel, and eventually take a 45-min shower. then, you can do another naked run around the house (dripping this time) looking for your lotion, and actually have time to put it on. (i have the biggest lotion/perfume/body spray collection and use it about .001% of the time. sigh, it's wasted on me...)

now i'm clothed and curly-haired (steam from the shower does that) and happy. also thinking about random things, such as:
* csi's on tonight, woohoo!
* i want to go to the fair! it's here in a week...and i know they rip you off and i know it's the same rides and cheap stuff and overfed animals and overpriced food, but i want to go!!!
* mm, sweet pea lotion smells good.
* i'm kinda hungry. what kind of spoil-me food should i eat? after all, this is a spoil-me kind of day.

et cetra. soon i must pick my sisters up from school, so i'm going to enjoy my me-time now!

it's over!
feeling nothing, listening to nothing. what can i say, i'm at school!

we handed out the yearbooks this morning, meaning i have absolutely nothing else to worry about in that area of stress. unfortunately, i still have the senior multimedia show to complete, not to mention finals. will i pass high school? only time will tell

but at least i don't have to worry about the yearbooks. that's one less thing.

and another thing: i was damn cute as a little kid!

that's all for now. will update tonight, when i'm not frantically editing pictures.

confused is an understatement
listening to: linkin park, "breaking the habit"

i will not cry myself to sleep tonight. iwillnotiwillnotiwillnot.

so there.

apparantly (or so the theory goes) this is what a celexa-free day means. then why the hell am i taking it if it just resorts me to a state of crumbly whimpering sadness? (for no apparant reason, even?)

i really like this song, though i'm listening to it right now here are some lyrics:

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

okay, that's practically the whole song. but i really like it. i wish i wrote it. i know i feel like that more often than i'd probably admit, for things i won't admit here. (cryptic, yes?)

and another thing. the word 'habit' appeals to me because i am mildly obsessive-compulsive and have the biggest set of habits (good and bad) out of almost anyone i know. for instance, i write (type?) in this blog before i go to bed. i look on it as a kind of therapy (which is good, because my therapist is out of town until the end of june...sadly, i refuse to subject anyone else to listen to me babble for an hour straight. that's why we pay someone.)

if i don't do it though, i feel like my day was incomplete. that's not an addiction, that's just me. sure, you can say i have an addictive personality, but that's not really it. i have a hundred things i have to do each day or else i feel incomplete, because i'm semi-ocd, damn it!

and seem to have anger management issues.

with myself.

but i'm not angry, just sad.

but not crying-sad!!! darn it!!! refer to the beginning of this entry.

100th post!
feeling: better. (see last post)
listening to: switchfoot, "meant to live"

here we have it, the one-hundreth post!

hate to break it to you, but it won't be a terribly exciting one. kassi is watching "the fairly oddparents" (today featuring a deranged gerbil, from what i can see), luckily with the sound on low so my laptop speakers, as small as they are, drown the sound. makayla is making breakfast for the three of us--i'm sure my father is running or something (being as he does that quite frequently...)

i am sitting here sleepily, due to the fact i was up to 12:30am waiting for the beforementioned sister to get home from a party. she better be in big trouble, because me, in my paranoid state, was half-expecting a police officer to knock on the door and announce that her friend/driver's car was wrapped around a tree...i mean, she's 15! my curfew is 11 on weekends now! meaning i would have been in deep shit, then and now, had i arrived home that late without even calling.

don't get me wrong, i'm very relieved that my fears had no base and was happy to wake up at 4am and see her in her bed. i'm just a vindictive little bitch, that's all. =P

in other news, i just discovered i have poison oak. yuk, yuk, yuk. hopefully it doesn't spread to 90% of my body like it usually does. so far it's just on my shoulder, which means it's probably from holding my stupid cat (that i love bunches and cuddle despite the fact that he rolls around in poison oak...)

that said, i think i need some type o negative underwear. ooh, band underwear. how sweet is that?

to finish off this strange and multi-subjected post, i'll tell you about the dream i had last night. it zoomed around from subject to subject, but at one point i was talking to college recruiters who offered me hundreds of dollers to promote their college, and "at least consider" attending there myself. later, i was given equipment to breathe underwater and discovered a submerged room, where i had a mission to find something. i don't remember what. while i was there, rick (a guy in my class) found me and tried to kill me--which was quite disturbing, because the guy's known me since i was 8, but i escaped in time (barely.)

there was more, but i don't remember it.

sniff, sniff
listening to: "trading spaces"--my baby sister is watching while she waits for my other sister to get home from a party.

i feel funny.

not funny in the comical sense, funny in the odd-weird-not-normal sense. kind of in the sad sense too, i guess. i keep crying--not bawling, just tears here and there--and i can't stop.

not only that, but i'm hurting other people too--my feeling seems to be rubbing off on other people. and knowing i'm hurting people hurts me even more! to add to the mix, i'm experiencing extreme paranoia, kind of like i used to feel when i was nine and therefore couldn't think reasonably...i have no excuse now. i was so scared to drive home alone--i kept getting the feeling that i was going to die or something--and then the sirens and search helicopters i saw on the way didn't improve matters.

the thing is, i had a really good day. i went to church in the morning, then alex came over and my entire family relaxed in the afternoon until we decided to drag our lazy butts to a local museum/mini-zoo/art gallery/thing (which was mostly for smaller children, but that's okay. i've been there a few times and i'm *still* entertained!) when we got home we went swimming, ate pizza, and looked up stuff for alex (who wants to start a terrarium with exotic frogs...way cool! i'd do reptiles myself...or maybe i shouldn't, since my last two ball pythons have died, and in the last year too...) =( but anyway.

then i drove (the truck, i.e. a stickshift) all the way to blockbuster (across town) to rent 'the bone collector', since i just finished the book and alex hadn't seen it for awhile. it was good, but not as good as the book (no surprise. in my experience at least, 99% of the time that's the case.)

so, i had this great day. why the hell do i feel bad/weird/whatever? i took my meds...i'm even wondering if that's the problem. since my dosage went up (and then i accidently took two pills in one day,) is what i'm feeling dulled emotions? is feeling paranoid a side effect? i really don't know.

i just wish it would go away.

so i'll go to bed and wake up tomorrow and see what happens. sleep, the solution to all problems...=P

so g'nite.

being as i'm a bit too young to have kids of my own, i picked the obvious alternative...adopt a internet fetus!



I adopted a cute lil' fairy fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!


I adopted a cute lil' poison fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!


I adopted a cute lil' emo fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

okay, so i adopted three, because i'm indecisive. i admit, the grim reaper fetus was a close fourth, but i remembered that (as one of four) i vowed never to have more than three offspring. (don't get me wrong, i love my sisters...i just know *i* couldn't handle it!)

which fetus would you choose?

proud of my tongue, even then!
feeling: in need of a nap. i don't get one, though.
listening to: powerman 5000, "relax" (i heard the original version on the radio today, and couldn't resist)

how sweet! my "first bestest friend" lynsey (we were best friends in elementary school, until i moved to northern california and she got to stay in southern ca, by the beach, darn it! but we still write and even see each other occasionally...crazy!)

i bet you have no idea what i was saying before that long parenthesis. so i'll repead: my "first bestest friend" lynsey sent me a birthday message, with funny picture of us as 7-year-olds included. i'm the one on the left.

it's thursday night, meaning: csi: !!! i hope alex's parents let us watch. his dad works w/ the stock market and must get up before the stupid thing opens...we're on west coast time, remember...meaning he also goes to bed early. unfortunately, the bigscreen tv is against the wall leading to the master bedroom.

and "rockzilla" (on fuse) is on at 10pm! (unless they changed it back to "uranium", which would be okay with me too.) bleh, bleh, bleh. eventually they should be getting sattelite on their other tvs too, but until then...

i finally found--um, let's start over. kim, alex's little sister, found the book i was reading ('the elfstones of shannara' by terry brooks.) how sweet is that? very sweet, because i have pretty much read through all of the keepers from my yard sale finds. i actually found three or four books i found as boring as hell, can you believe that? so anyway, i'm on page 166 and totally into the story again. woohoo.

all for now. perhaps more later, perhaps not.

and on a different note...
feeling: ucky-bleh
listening to: edwin mccain, "i'll be" (the last post made me think about it, okay?)

if i actually believed the messages i recieved in birthday cards, i'd be one self-esteem-endowed gal.

take, for instance, the card from my maternal grandpa and stepgrandma:
"granddaughter, you're the perfect you--yo're just the person the world needs to fill your shoes and smile your smile, to laugh your laugh adn share your incredible uniqueness with everyone lucky enough to know you."

i actually saved this card with every intention of sending a thank-you note (amazing for me!)

my maternal grandma wrote a poem for me, which made me cry. but i won't post it because it's long and i don't feel like typing. plus you'll be like, "why the hell did that make you cry?" it just did, okay? i'm sensitive like that!

oops. didn't take my celexa today. well, that could explain it...could also explain the shitty feeling i've had all day. darned withdrawl.

so! as a quick theme-change, i had a pretty good day (except for the beforementioned shitty feeling that kinda hung in the background, but anyway.) after school, rachel and daylene and alex and i went to see 'walking tall' with the rock (what is his real name? does anyone know? does he have a name?), accompanied by two large bags of popcorn and a large sprite/fruit punch (mm, mixed drinks. especially harmless ones.)

then we went to ruby tuesday and ate fries and tall cake (mm, tall cake.) finally alex and i ended up at barnes and noble, where we solved logic puzzles in a singular big comfy chair, and i bought a book!

tomorrow my madre y hermana leave for the 8th grade trip. i'd say the house will seem empty, but it probably won't, being as i have three other family members on auxilary and one of them is a third grade aspiring cheerleader...gag me with a toilet plunger!!! (but she's cute, and i kinda like her, so i let her live.) =P i will have my own room for a week, which will be sweet during the day and yucky at night. i am incapable of sleeping alone. it's a disease, i swear.

that's what my teddy bear and fuzzy blanket are for.

this is the point where we all remind ourselves that i am, in fact, almost in college...

Your Suicide.. by Konstantine
Your Name/Username
Favorite Number?
Favorite Color?
Gender?	FemaleMaleUndecidedBoth
How will you commit suicide?	You will set your house on fire and sit alone in the corner as the flames consume you
How many tries will it take?	68
When will you commit suicide?	November 27, 2010
What will your suicide note say?	Fuck All of You!
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

happy birthday, me!
feeling: sleepy
listening to: falling up, "escalates"

so, i'm officially a year older. it really means nothing, i know...just another day. but usually there's something different about a birthday. the air is crisper, the world is friendlier. life is kind of sparkly.

today? nada.

not to say i didn't have a good day. school pretty muched sucked, up until lunch at least. (i almost fainted, was grabbed for a hug from behind that turned into a very painful push-up bra...they *still* hurt!...and was not only subjected to another student's half-moonage but was forced to chant the lyrics "go down, go down" without laughing while the teacher instructed "make it throaty!" and that was just choir class.)

i am way too immature. i can't help it, i sit amidst sophomores in choir...

at lunch rachel took alex & me to bakearama for cookies (we tried to go to subarama, but the line was too freaking long) and del taco for comida delicioso. after school, i hung out at alex's house until my family finished track practice (my parents co-coach, kaeli's a star runner. makayla and kassi just hang around, i guess.) then all 7 of us went to 'red robin' where we ate burgers (guacamole burger...nummers) and ice cream (for me at least, since i underwent the humiliation of being sang to.)

my presents thus far:
* a balloon, moocow stuffed animal, and $15 starbucks giftcard from my babyest sister kassi (9)
* a piano book and a cd (the benjamin gate, "contact") from my parents
* the 'moulin rouge!' dvd from my sister kaeli (13)
* cd: falling up, "crashings" from my sister makayla (15)

then my dad took alex & me to office depot for my final present of the day...a printer/scanner/fax machine! woot! it is so sweet. and tiny, and portable, and cute, and functional. i love it i love it.

i love it so much, i think i'll scan a pic to show my appreciation.
there (for new pictures, click here!) hot damn, my scanner kicks ass.

(i think i met my explitive quota right there...) =P

finally, we all went home and ate jamoca almond fudge pie from 31 flavors that i picked up yesterday. again, delicious. i think i'm gonna gain 5 pounds today. ah, screw it. i'm getting old, weight happens. =P (y'know, almost to college--downright ancient!)

alex has yet to give me a birthday present. he has it in an, and i quote, "incomplete stage". so apparantly i get it monday. i'm trying for friday.

this is sooo exciting!!!

overall, a good birthday.

the good, the bad, the ugly
feeling: okay
listening to: 3 days grace, "just like you"

good:

just got off the phone with alex (a rare occurance, since we're usually together) and had the cutest conversation, i swear. we're cute. cutest when in our dressy pink duds, but quite cute the rest of the time too.

hey, and my birthday's tomorrow! at 2:45 am, so technically only in five hours and twenty-four minutes from right now my digits will increase. (i picture something like the ball breaking in time's square on new years, except two, with my age in them. hmm.)

bad:

my throat is still a tad bit sore. i hope i don't get alex sick, or my family/the rest of my friends for that matter. plus i have a mountainous amount of homework due from this week on, til the end of the year. not to mention i'm supposed to be playing a song for special music at graduation that so far i'm not too hot at, plus put together a multimedia show that thus far is in its baby-est stages.

ugly:

yuk!yuk!yuk! it feels like i'm getting a cold sore. i'm sure i'm not, being as the last contact i had with that vile strain was my 8th grade boyfriend rick. i haven't broken out in one since then, so i'm hoping this is just an odd skin malfunction. (my skin is infamous for malfunctioning in odd, occasionally icky and almost always embarassing. stupid skin. no cookie.)

also ugly: paige davis. why in hades is she famous, i ask??? why???

this is the official end of my birthday-eve post. g'nite everyone!

my throat hurts!!!

and my stomach!!!

(at least i broke my routine of having a bloody nose every day for no apparant reason. i was blood-free for the first time in four days.)

bleh! sick...and so close to my birthday, too. what gives?

crawling
feeling: tired. it's 11:52pm and i'm not even close to done w/ my homework...damn weekends.
listening to: evanescence, "anywhere"

no, that's not crawling as in linkin-park-crawling. it's crawling as in my-crappy-internet-why-the-heck-do-ya-crawl-in-the-middle-of-an-english-research-project???

i shall never know any quote-"worthwhile facts" about a career as a medical technologist. (we're researching two careers on a broad spectrum, then narrowing it down to one and getting ultra specific. i have no idea what the second career's gonna be.)

how was my mother's day? well, didn't spend much of it with my mom. our breakfast plans changed dramatically when she got sick (nauseous-sick, none the less...sigh. sorry, mom.)

so instead i hung out with alex watching 'family guy' on dvd, eating brownies, doing a take-home stat test (it very much sucks when you have someone who could write the freaking math book with you, but is unable to help you. mmph, i'm pouting), and watching "cold creek manor" with his parents. which i liked, though it was a tad bit overly dramatic and under-ly informational for my tastes. ah, well, that's why i watch csi: ...

hey! this is notable news. my birthday is tuesday! woot! i want to bring an ice cream cake from cold stone to school on tuesday (how very juvenile of me...hehehe!) =P , then go out to eat with my parents that night (who knows where.) finally, on the 16th (that's a sunday, right?) i get to go to san francisco with alex, my dad, makayla and kassi (the youngest and oldest, save me, sisters. kaeli & my mom are on kaeli's 8th grade class trip that weekend.) we're going to the zoo, pier 39 to eat @ the hard rock cafe & visit the sweet art galleries, ghirardelli square for ice cream sundaes if i can work it out, plus a virgin records if we find one and who knows where else in the afternoon. woohoo, i can't wait!!!

probably should get back to homework now. damn, it's late.

coffee, anyone?

2 second post (maybe)
feeling: sleepy and headache-y. i've been fighting one all day...
listening to: barlow girls, "never alone"

my birthday is in four days! woohoo! to appease the masses (and because my parents wouldn't let me out of the house until i did,) i made a wish list which turned into a birthday-slash-graduation wish list, being as i'm graduating in three weeks.

eep. graduating in three weeks? that's crazy! there's no way i'm that old. send me back to fourth grade when my favorite classes were spelling and handwriting and i read or played on the monkey bars every recess. and i had a sweet lunchbox.

now i just have the sweet lunchbox. =P

but anyway, the list is as follows (in no particular order):
* printer for my laptop
* stereo system for my truck
* "strange and happy" tee from hot topic
* skillet, "collide"
* chevelle, "wonder what's next" (i am officially the last person i know to own this cd. which makes me not want to buy it, except by trying to not letting society control what i like, i'm going to the extreme of avoiding all popular things just cuz they're popular, which in fact is still letting society control me. augh.)
* falling up, "crashings" (i met them!!! i know, i know, for the 10000th time...)
* gift certificates to just about any coffee, cd, clothes, or book store there is

actually, for my birthday i really want to get my boyfriend to let me take him shopping in hot topic. he'd be such a cute punk/goth/whatever. (not that you're not cute already alex...and you have to admit, your spiked hair kicks ass. for the info of the general masses, we're spiking it with glue this summer...fun fun.)

in other news, i got my hair cut thursday. it's now about an inch longer than my chin and layered. this summer i may cut it alittle shorter, but for now this is perfect. i looove short hair, on myself at least. it's so easy to deal with, easy to style, etc.)

hey, also in other news, the banquet was thursday...rather, my tiny private school's alternative prom. or something. since we're sponsored by some pretty conservative churches, we aren't allowed to dance, wear jewelry, show pdas at school, etc. so instead of a prom, our whole high school (still coupled off, though) eats dinner somewhere and is entertained by whatever the associated student body (asb for short) cooks up.

this time we ate dinner in someone's backyard (but a veery nice backyard...it was decorated like there was gonna be a wedding there or something!) then went to see a local high school's version of "hello, dolly!" which would have been great except our 'fiddler' kicked some serious butt this year, so we weren't as impressed as we could've been. still, it was fun, and since the community doesn't normally dress up for those things, it was fun standing out. (pictures coming soon!) i wore a hot pink dress, alex wore a pink tie (more clothes too, don't worry...) and we were just absolutely adorable. literally, 20-odd people approached me to comment on my dress, alex's and my matching, or my flowers (they were--are, actually--a cute little bouquet of various pink flowers that look like something a bridesmaid would carry. i love them and wish they were immortal. alas, i must dry them and their beauty shall live on.)

the best part was when we were taking pictures, and alex & i took a "pretty woman" pic (with the tie-over-the-shoulder, all that. except i wasn't dressed like a hooker and alex and i are not the same height. he's 6'2, i'm 5'5. but anyway.) we also took normal pics, and i took a few of my friends and one of my sister and her boyfriend (gah! both my teenage sisters have boyfriends! it's really quite disturbing to me. makayla, 15, is dating alex's cousin, who's a grade ahead of her...okay, i can deal. but my younger sis kaeli, 13 and an eighth grader, is dating a guy a little younger than me and a sophomore. hmm. not that i can talk--i dated a 17-yr-old at 13. cradlerobbers these days, i swear...)

last choir performance of the year tomorrow...at the most conservative constituant church supporting our school. bleh. and i wanted to paint my nails green.

i'm thinking this wasn't exactly a two-second post...guess i get carried away! =P

flippity flop
feeling: happy
listening to: story of the year, "until the day i die" (i really don't like this band. but it's on the radio and i'm a lazy butt, so i'll put up with it.)

hearing has returned to my formerly dull, quiet, and lonely life.

in the middle of my class trip, my ears filled up with water and various other crap, one by one, until i had virtually no hearing (not to mention an incredibly annoying ringing in my ears that refused to go away.) i made the best of it anyway and kept my complaining to a bare minumum (once or twice an hour.)

but! bliss is mine! for i have just returned from the doctor, and have not only refilled (and raised the dosage actually) my happy pills, but have giving my cute lil ears a bath! now they are squeaky clean and happy...for a week at least, when i go back in to see if the right one is infected (she's had enough pain for one day, thank you. high-pressured water is not fun.)

it's only been a week or so, and i forgot there were so many sounds! for instance, that my flipflops snapped when they hit my heels and scuffed on carpet. that skin-on-skin makes a slide-y kind of noise, and the clear clicks a keyboard and mouse make. everything is so crisp, except voices, which echo like crazy (especially my own.)

this is tripping me out. could ya tell?

later i must finish (read: start) my chemistry powerpoint, due tomorrow. this is taking procrastination a bit far, even for me, but i figure--to hell with it. why worry now? that would accomplish nothing.

and totally off the subject, alex is getting his hair cut today, probably as we speak. as evident in the mexico pics, it's a tad bit long even for my tastes. even so, i looove his hair. he'd better not cut *too* much off or i might have to have a small tantrum. in the same vein, i'm getting my hair cut and styled thursday, before the banquet, giving me both the potential to look hideous and hot. hmm. (i know, i know, enough with the alliteration.)

did i mention the banquet is thursday? sigh. everything moves so fast. before you know it i'll be out of high school, and i barely feel out of junior high.

okay, retract that last statement. i sure as hell *don't* feel like a junior high student. i just fear change, that's all...

(for the record, the time is incorrect on this one. i forgot to publish right away...insert sheepish grin here...)

she returns
feeling: jetlagged...it's 1ish am my time, but only 11 california time.
listening to: afi, "silver and cold"

wow. i haven't blogged in half of forever. this is due to a week full of insane 'fiddler' practices (the performance was a week & a half ago and we *so* kicked ass) =P and the following week of senior class trip to playa del carmen, mexico. which also was awesome. more info follows.

here is an entry i meant to post before i left, but didn't, because i'm a lazy butt and a procrastinator to boot...meaning i did laundry the nite before i left.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
i haven't written in quite a long time, but it wasn't for lack of enthusiasm, i assure you. blame everything on lack of time, and blame my lack of time on my school's spring musical, this year "fiddler on the roof."

which, by the way, was a huge success! we sold out both of our nights and did a good job both nights as well. (i did much better the second time, but i guess as a whole we equaled about the same between the two.)

despite various mistakes--for instance, tevye (blake, a jr) saying in the beginning, there was the one time he sold him a mule. no no no, what i meant to say was there was a time when he sold him a horse, but delivered a mule--or that classic instance when tevye (blake) tells golde (dustie, a sr) that perchik (b.j., a jr) is going to visit a rich uncle, and it came out he was going to *marry* a rich uncle. blake improv-ed with, "times are changing, but not that fast!"

as for me, i made it through both nights with minimal misfortune. my mic wasn't on during "matchmaker" the first night (during which i say such lines as "will you be a lucky bride! he's handsome, he's tall...that is, from side to side" and "you've heard he has a temper, he'll beat you every night! but only when he's sober...so you're alright!" sigh. stupid mic that turned off w/o my permission!) i also had to use an aqua shawl to emulate/make fun of yente (jaclyn, a soph) the matchmaker. (if you don't know what i'm talking about, watch the movie!) someone stole my black shawl! i figured out by the second night it was dustie, and stole it back! (at least for that scene.)

my other big scenes involved imploring tevye and staring wistfully at motel (peter) so, no problem, right?

wrong. do you know how hard it is to stare at someone lovingly for an extensive period of time? i piled on the makeup to mask my blushing, which helped how i looked but *not* how i felt! i survived (wow, what a martyr i am. having my own pity party and everything. actually, it was fun, so don't listen to me whine.)

sick of me babbling on and on about the musical? but wait, there's more. in the form of pictures! check em out, they're quite funny actually. (this'll be there eventually.)

now i must get dressed and pack and do all that fun stuff...after church today, i have a few short hours until i must get ready for my class trip! whew. didn't see that one coming. we leave at 2:30am (yes, you read that right--we must drive to san francisco) to fly to playa del carmen, mexico, which is a resort/beach next to cancun. (the reason we have to get to the airport so early is cuz it's an international flight.) then we're spending a week on the beach, exploring ruins, scuba diving/snorkeling, and *hopefully* fishing! =P

i'm not actually excited yet, but i'm sure i will be once all the post-fiddler-tramatic stress dies down.

but, that does mean i won't be blogging for quite a while longer! so in the next week, do one of the following: wish us luck, pray for us, or send happy-look-good-in-a-swimsuit vibes my way! =P
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and now for a quick overview of our trip to playa del carmen (well, relatively quick. for me, that is. okay, okay, in other words not quick at all.)

not so hot on the words thing? click here for pictures and, yes, the inevitable words. you know me too well. as i was saying...

sunday we--as in, ten seniors, two sponsors, one of which was my father--drove @ three in the morning to the oakland airport and then preceded to fly all day...i spent the five hours sleeping. thank God for boypillows. (mm, boypillows...) once we arrived in cancun, we collected our inordinately massive amounts of luggage, swam through customs, and found the bus to our hotel. this is also when we discovered that most people journey to the cancun area for one main reason--to get wasted. seriously, EVERYWHERE you go they're pushing beer...er, cervesas, we were in mexico after all...on you. not literally, of course. but it was freaking scary to have the bus driver offer drinks number one, from his own personal cooler, number two, to children under the age of 15. (there's no minimum age in mexico for anything, it would seem.)

we were all good little chillins and stayed sober. not to say a mightly big share of the class didn't drink when the sponsors weren't looking, but for having free beer in our hotel refridgerators that was replaced daily, plus a free bar with any drink you could possibly want, we did darn good.

our hotel was awesome. right on the (gorgeous) beach, huge pool, 4 or 5 restaurants completely included so you could get anything you wanted day or night...even a naked statue with roughly the same body type as me. (i threatened to deck anyone who accused her of possessing too-small boobs, though never actually had to follow through.) =P speaking of boobs, many a sunbather decided to reveal theirs for an even tan, which was frightening at times but i guess it could've been worse. they could have been hot college chicks instead of honeymooners and secondhoneymooners, dramatically lowering the competition.

monday we spent the morning at tulum (mayan ruins right on the beach) and the afternoon at xel-ha (the world's largest "aquarium", though in reality it was a blocked-off estuary kept clean by the park keepers, and surrounded by paths and restaurants.) the coolest things about xel-ha were: it was infested with wild spiny-tailed iguanas (so *this* is where they come from!) and had a nap area, complete with soft music and hammocks and a view of the dolphin pool. needless to say, dan and alex and i made use of this service. (funny--i awoke to the sound of a woman screaming, "he shit on me!" the he of which she spoke was a bird, but it was still amusing. her husband sadistically took a picture of hejourneyedy new hairstyle.)

tuesday we journed to chichen-itza, more mayan ruins but this time with a guide. for a slightly-history-interested, not-so-slightly-morbid person like me, this tour was great. for instance, the mayans had this game where you had to get a heavy rubber ball through a tiny circle 15ft up a wall...like basketball, only you could use any body part *but* your hands. after the game, the captain of the winning team was decapitated as a sacrifice to the gods. his scull was stowed away in a special structure, his death depicted on a rock wall (the arterial blood in the shape of snakes, for whatever reason.)
we were even able to climb the highest pyramid, though i almost died doing so. i am so freaking afraid of heights. alex was a good boy and helped me, otherwise i think i would have had a panic attack and have to be helicoptered to a mexican hospital.

we did, however, almost die on the bus that took us there and back. mexicans seem to think that a barely-one lane road means that you can pass as long as there's the merest smidgen of a shoulder. on the main highways (read: a lane each way) the shoulder acts as the slow lane, making passing even more exciting (four cars wide! in the rain! going 75! woohoo!) and what did i do to stifle my fears? i napped, of course.

wednesday--cosumel, the closest we came to city atmosphere. my class rode the ferry, then took taxis to a dive club where we made use of the hammocks until our boats were ready. then the certified scuba divers went one direction, and we wussy snorkelers (snork! what an awesome word!) went another. with a little help from our guides, we saw a huge barracuda (bigger than the one alex & i saw @ xel-ha) and a cute eel, not to mention hundreds and hundreds of adorable fish who nibbled my flippers and rolled in the sand and made me miss my kitties. mrow. oh, and we saw billions of tiny jellies (it's the correct word, unlike jelly fish. since they aren't fish. while i'm sounding geeky, i'll add that killer whales are in fact named orcas--it was mistranslated from the native language and should be whale killer--and that there is a difference between poision and venom; poison is harmful when ingested while venom must get into your bloodstream. okay i'll stop now. i'm the daughter of a science teacher, what can i say.) anyway, back to those pesky jellies--they were supposed to hate sunscreen, but god knows i was wearing enough and i got stung on the back anyway. it itched and burned, and what do you know, no one would pee on my back for me.) =P

thursday was the relaxation-rest-day...i ate, watched war movies on my dad's laptop, and went fishing with my dad & alex in the afternoon. unfortunately our boat went trolling (not bottom fishing) and caught...one fish. but it was a huge dolphin fish and i was impressed anyway. also i got seasick midvoyage, and came a few seconds away from feeding the fish when a nice honeymooner with pierced nipples (a guy, though i wouldn't doubt it if his girl matched...she was pierced enough elsewhere) offered me a dramamine. i promptly fell asleep in alex's lap (what a brave soul he is! i love my friends) and awoke an hour later, perfectly fine. i officially love dramamine.

friday we chartered a van and went to koba, the last set of ruins. these ones were located in the jungle, completely unrestored. it made me want to go to egypt and explore the pyramids and be an archaeologist and wear a lot of khaki. hmm. we again got to climb a structure, but this time i did freak out and had a small panic/asthma attack. but i made it, didn't die and all that good stuff. again, thank you alex.

the tour director at the hotel thought it would be pretty neato to find a church of our religeon (7th-day adventist), being as it's semi-obscure and all, so he went through all the trouble to not only locate the church, but figure out how to get our group there. i wasn't particularly excited about going to church...not only do i have minimal spanish skills, but i had/have water stuck in both ears and was borderline deaf...but it definitely turned out to be an experience. and you know what, i'm glad we went.

in the afternoon we beachhopped. being lazy, i read and (you guessed it) napped instead of swam. i also watched dan attempt to open a coconut castaway-style. he didn't get very far, but it was entertaining all the same.

finally, we spent sunday morning in town, where i purchased presents for my plethora of sisters (a seahorse bone necklace for 8-yr-old kassi, a turtle bone necklace for 13-yr-old kaeli, a wooden mayan sun necklace for 15-yr-old makayla, and an onyx cross necklace for me. plus a blue mexican blanket i'm adopting as my picnic blanket, because everyone knows that all good college students spend half their time studying outside.) i'm not counting the henna tattoo i attempted to get as a souvenir, since my swimsuit string drug in it five minutes after the guy painted it on. bleh. twelve bucks, and i receive a partially ruined swimsuit (that'll last forever) and lower-back tattoo (that'll last three weeks in its crappy state), not to mention a brown index finger from when i tried to clean the henna off my swimsuit. ah, such is life.

i *tried* to count alex as a souvenir, but he wouldn't let me. "you had me before mexico," quoth he, but the thing is i didn't. we were just veery close friends then, and now we're 'officially' dating. woohoo for me. i have a boyfriend and we're so alike it's scary. not to mention he's my best friend and i love 'im so much already. okay, enough mushy gushing. i'm not a hopeless romantic or anything, oh no...alex, no reading this and being frightened. it's against the rules.

rule #1: we love pelicuns.
rule #2: we smell like seashells.
rule #3: we don't freak out over blogentries.
rule #4: we obey the rules and we LIKE it, damn it!

i am so, so weird. why does anyone befriend me? why am i not locked up? the world must be weird, too.

back to--sunday. after town we headed to the airport, where we again waited until our flight boarded. then after an exciting (okay, excruciatingly boring) trip that consisted of reading (my book: "the bone collector" by jeffery deaver. exciting stuff, i'm watching the movie next) and being bitchy becaue we're tired...we were finally back in oakland. but no heading home yet--oh no, there's immigration and customs to deal with before we could board our cars and i could curl up with my boypillow of choice and slip into a blissful world of sweet nothingness...ah, the joy of sleep... i was jarred into reality for a few excruciating minutes while we unloaded at the school, then all i had to do was float into the house and into my delightful bed.

speaking of, it's now after midnight. and sleep sounds pretty nice right now. i'm blowing this joint, updating my fotoblog with adorable pictures of me and the boy and the rest of 'em later...goodnight, world.